Words the Way I Do

Oh Blogland, I scarcely have hours in the day for you this week. So I sacrifice the sleep I won't be getting later.

Usually when I start these things, I don't know where I'm going with them, but I at least have an idea of a point or two that I want to make.

This isn't a diary for me to recount the events of my day to you. It's about the words. Here's a thought (and yeah, it'll sound pretty shallow at a first read, but stay with me until I get to what I'm thinking). I have a feeling there will be some degree of irony in the lack of making a point in a post about the meaning of words. But maybe that itself will make a point. Anyway...

Not everybody uses words the way I do. (Shock and awe, right? Not at all.)

Here's the thing: I'm wordy and comfortable with my voice, with being heard. I'm not afraid to say disagreeable things if I believe them to be true--granted I'd say I don't have many philosophies that contradict large numbers of people in my life.

If you know me at all, which at this point I think nearly all of you wonderful readers do, you've probably noticed to some extent that I'm fairly outspoken and don't really have much of a filter.

Not everybody uses words the way I do.

Last night, I got upset with a friend because of a fleeting comment about working and the real world. He didn't intend to hurt my feelings, but I got angry. I make inferences, I read into things and more than anything else, I freak out.

Because I put so much stock in words and the ways people say things, I psych myself out, and then use words to make people feel like I do, and it's a dangerous thing.

I got mad, and I called that friend out for upsetting me; he had no idea what his words had done inside my head.

Another friend heard my account of the story, and was bewildered by the fluidity of language that flows out of my mouth.

Not everybody uses words the way I do.

But let me tell you this: That is a very good thing.

My words can be dangerous, and I forget that pretty often. I've been sick for the last week and sentences have been jumping out of my mouth into the air and stabbing flesh on the way down. Ok, that was dramatic. I haven't talked any one to blood this week (or ever, that I'm aware of). But my point is that sometimes I'm reckless with my language, and that's inconsistent with who I want to be.

I don't want to make passive aggressive comments out of frustration. I don't want to gossip or nitpick. I don't want to talk about trifling, frivolous things.

I want intentional conversations that build and don't break. I want my words to mean what I feel.

There are different theories about the degree of meaning a word actually carries, and really, outside of a set construct of a language, a word doesn't mean much at all. To an English speaker with no experience with Spanish whatsoever, the word "pollo" means nothing. But it is a word nonetheless. That's not really what I'm trying to say here though.

What I mean is that I want to say things and mean them; I want to be a responsible participant in the exchange of words.

Not everybody uses words the way I do.

And I want to stop using words the way I have in the past. I've been irresponsible.

Here's to growing up, or something like that. Cheers, and thanks for reading.